Mistaken Identity

As I have mentioned before, I am terrified of mice. Terrified. Jim has successfully caught and disposed of 2 such creatures in the last week. Gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. Seriously. So as we prepare for vacation, one thing I always do is give the house a good cleaning. I hate mice and I hate returning to a messy house, post vacation. So this week I have been cleaning. I have successfully avoided the basement and have limited my visits to closets the last 2 weeks. I open a closet door, look just at the spot I need to and slam the door. I will now share with you all the "near miss" mouse sightings I have had recently. I will also tell you that my heart stopped every time, and I broke out into a cold sweat. If I ever have to go to a cardiologist I can directly refer back to this summer. The summer of the mouse. I say mouse because again, I am in denial about their so called "pack" habits. I'm happy in my denial. I accept it, now move on. So here they are....my near miss mouse sightings.
1. Every day I open the linen closet to get a towel etc. Every day there is a strip of Chuckie Cheese tickets on the floor that flutter when I open the door. Every day. Like 10 times a day. I know they are there. I never pick them up. Every time, I think they are a mouse. I have not missed the irony that they are in fact Chuckie Cheese tickets. He's a 6 ft dancing mouse. I don't like him. For obvious reasons. Pizza and rodents marketed together are not amusing. Enough said.
2. I went in to tidy up the bathtub area. I saw something grayish black peeking out from behind the shampoo. Mouse. Not. Upon further inspection it was actually more disturbing. A severed GI Joe head. Poor fella. Apparantly he had gone into the bathroom for a little R&R. Mutilated in the line of duty. I couldn't find the rest of the body. I'd look further into who beheaded poor Joe but, I'm just so happy it's not a mouse. The military will have to launch it's own investigation. I'm not pointing fingers but the Hulk and Scooby Doo looked suspicious. Shifty, nervous and a little too chummy. Not that I'm pointing fingers.
3. I made myself go down the basement. The basement isn't unfinished or generally creepy. There are just too many places for a mouse to hide in. The area is too big for me to do my quick sweeping eye movements. I can scan the whole floor in most rooms before I enter. The basement has too much going on to make me feel comfortable about entering. I had to go. It was a mess, I had to supervise the cleaning. I went down and did the sweep. Things looked good. Than I looked up and saw it. I froze waiting for movement. Hanging out of the ceiling tile. A gray striped stiff pointy thing. It never moved. It was dead. I knew it was dead because I threw a lego at it. Next step, Jim. I waited for Jim to come home. I took him downstairs whispering. "There's a dead mouse in the ceiling, you need to get rid of it." Now. Jim approached it very skeptical. "I think it's wood, a piece of the framing." No. It's definitely a mouse tail. Jim-"It's wood." And than he did the unimagineable. He reached for the tail. Just as he got about a centimeter from grabbing it I screamed. Really loud and very psychotic. "IT'S NOT WOOD IT'S A MOUSE AWWWWWWWW!!" And I ran away. Jim jerked his hand back. "You scared me, you nut. It's WOOD!!!" He reached up and pulled it out. Oh. Yeah, you're right, it is wood. Ok than, dinner's ready. Jim actually had to sit down and get himself together, I had him so freaked out. Sorry. My mistake. I said I was sorry, geez some people are so jumpy.
4. I was laying in bed. Jim was in the living room watching the ballgame. I was just dozing off when I heard it. A scurry. And some scratching. I could feel my heart beating in my ears. Sheer terror. Mentally, I had already sold the house. I can't live like this. I can't. I won't. I listened very carefully. Nothing. There it is again. Over by the window. I got up very slowly to turn on the light. Where am I going to sleep? The car? I turn the light on and peek over by the window. To see....a plastic Wal-Mart bag...sitting on the air conditioner vent. I'am going to have a nervous breakdown....over a Wal-Mart bag on the vent. I moved the bag. I don't tell Jim. He's a little "over" the mouse hysteria. For the final ironic twist, I will tell you that we planned our vacation 9 months ago. It is my 40th birthday gift from Jim. We're going to Disney World. The home of the world's most famous......say it all together.....mouse. Love ya Jim!