Flaming Blue Squirrel

We bought a bird feeder. We’ve never had one. We have such beautiful birds stop by in our front yard. I thought I would buy a feeder so the beautiful birds would stop by and stay awhile. It would be peaceful and tranquil, like a postcard really. But than I remembered that it’s US I’m talking about. I put the bright yellow bird feeder on our porch post. No one visited. I was beginning to think it could be the 120 lb dog sitting in the window with a knife and fork that was discouraging them. So I moved it across the yard to the fence post. I don’t want to put it far out in the yard because the point was to actually see them come. It’s supposed to be tranquil and sweet…like a postcard!! Where are the birds? Why aren’t they coming? I don’t know, could it possibly be the psychotic circus squirrels keeping them away? Gee, I don’t know, lets watch. Two minutes after I put it on the fence post, I see them. They’re acting all, like they don’t know about the food. We’re just passing through, hey, what’s that? I don’t have any idea, lets take a look, maybe we can help. You know what squirrels? We are way onto you. You’re all like, look at my bushy tail….watch me run around the tree..blah blah blah,. Lets just get it out there, you’re rodents. So within two minutes they have formulated a plan. Shimmy up the fence post and take one piece of food and leave the rest for a friend. Yeah, no. Their plan was to shimmy up the post, throw themselves headlong into the feeder. Knock it to the ground, spilling it everywhere and than shoving as much as they can in their little furry faces and running away…laughing. I didn’t actually hear them laughing but I know they were, they always are. Well, birdfeeder squirrels may be laughing. But there’s one breed of squirrel not laughing quite so hard. That would be the elusive, Flaming Blue Squirrel. It’s a rare breed. I think it’s birdfeeder squirrels gone mad. You know you start out digging through some plants, you pick in a couple trashcans, you rip off a couple of birdfeeders but you want more. It used to be so fulfilling, it used to be enough. But not anymore. The pole is calling out to them man, they gotta have the rush. Everybody’s doing it. What are ya squirrel? Yella? Chicken? Can’t go the distance? Oh sure, you got nerves of steel when your strong-arming a hummingbird out of a sunflower seed. You need to go for the pole man, show us what you got. They crack under the pressure. They go for the pole. The telephone pole that is. Well, we call then telephone poles but actually they do so much more. They hold all the wires for the entire block. Telephone, cable, and that really big thick one…now what is that called..hmmmm, oh yea, the electric wire. It’s really thick, easy to walk on, only a scaredy squirrel wouldn’t walk on that one! So they go for it. They go for the pole. You ever hear “pride goeth before the fall” yeah, that would be about right. The first time we just heard a tremendous thunderous explosion and all the electricity went out. We were new to the area, we had no idea what had happened. We heard rumors of squirrel activity but you want to think it’s not happening in your neighborhood. The next time, we heard the telltale explosion, it was dark out and I looked out the window just in time to see a blue flame shoot into the air and fall to the ground. Again the repairman came. Again squirrel talk. Third time. Explosion. This time we ran to the window just in time to see…..a flaming blue squirrel. It was a bright blue ball of ….flaming squirrel. This time, we had to see it. We cautiously walked over and there he was. Except for the fact that he was very obviously on fire, he was perfectly intact. The flame blew out quickly, quite similar to a pilot light actually. It reminded me of when I was growing up and we had to light our gas oven every day. The only thing unique about him was the expression on his little face. It can only be described as…. complete surprise. He was probably all like, I’ll show those guys who’s chicken, I’ll own this pole, birdfeeders? That’s baby stuff, I’m doing the pole man I’m king of the…..KABOOM!!. We had four such incidences before one of the repairmen offered us a squirrel guard for the pole. It’s all the thrill of climbing the pole without that pesky catching on fire thing. Not quite as fun as watching that lady pick up her bright yellow bird feeder off the ground everyday. But it’ll do for now.

RIP- Nuttles, Fluffy, Spanky and Chuck