Inner Tubing

We Hevesy's by nature (no pun intended) are not an outdoors type family. This is where you looked surprised to humor us. Please. To us, roughing it means basic cable, and one-ply toilet paper. Not to mean that we do not like to have fun or do things together, we just like to do them in air conditioning, and sitting, in air conditioning. We were invited to vacation with another family. An outdoors-type family. Normally we steer clear of such things, but we love them. Well, we loved them but not anymore. Now they run when they see us coming. We don't run after them, we're not athletic either. "Hey, lets go inner tubing!" I still break out in a cold sweat when I think about it. "It'll be fun." For who? The people watching the spectacle? "Hey, lets watch a pasty white family struggle down the Shenendoah river." Sell tickets, you'd make a fortune. I have one standard when I'm deciding whether to try something new, will I get hurt? In general I am afraid of most anything new. Not psychologically afraid. Physically afraid. I bruise like a week old peach. How did you get that bruise? Making cookies. See where I'm going with this. It's not fun. So we said yes to the rafting. Why? Because it was free. Not only are we not athletic or adventurous, we are cheap. So we set out. I was already afraid during the safety speech. Did I mention the average age of the tubers was 7...maybe 8. The water went from 2 inches to over our heads. We got a tube and a life jacket. I was changing my mind walking to the river. It was hot and buggy, and I had to carry my tube and Ethan's. The guide is telling us we had 90 minutes to ride from one end of the river to the pick up point. Please don't stop because the bus was leaving in 90 minutes. Don't make everybody wait for you. 90 minutes. Okaaay... 90 minutes, got it. It took me 89 minutes to get on my tube. Person after person hopped on their tube and floated away. Not me. I would position it behind me, sit down and miss it. The water was up to my knees. I slid off this thing like 50 times. Finally my friend and my husband got off of their tubes and held mine so I could sit. You have to put your bottom in the center and hang your legs off. And just float. Yeah. I hit every rock and sand dune in that river. I had a wedgie that would have brought a grown man to his knees. Basically your dragging your butt down 2 miles of river. There were a whole lot more areas of 2 inch water than 5 foot. I'm also tied to Ethan's tube. He did not find me amusing at all. I ran into every stick, root and rock. With our butts. Finally he popped out of the tube and sat on the edge of it. He started to cry. Precious family times. The rest of our party and everyone else on the tour left us. I'm freaking out. Slimy things were touching me. At one point Jim was in sight. I saw him get off of his tube to help some little girls. He got off in 2 inch water and started walking towards the little girls stuck on rocks. About 3 feet later he disappeared. Under water. He was just gone. All I saw was his hand holding onto his tube. Than he popped up and was in shallow water again. I should mention our shoes. Our friend told us our shoes would get wrecked in the river so we should buy cheap shoes to wear. Jim's were too big and mine were too small. This is where the cheapness comes in. I was not spending more than $1.00 on each pair of shoes. Jim had on sandles that were 3 sizes too big. Mine were 1 size too small. And very slippery. Very. New shoes+ rock slime=disaster. Jim kept getting his floppy shoes caught on stuff and falling like a bag of hammers. He'd be there and than he'd be gone. He would come up out of the water and say " why did....(splash)....I let you (splash).... make me wear..(splash)....these shoes...(splash!) As we neared the end of our fiasco, I mean adventure, I was losing patiance with the whole tube thing. I decided to walk the rest of the way. Of course the busload of angry tubers waiting on the shore had a little to do with it. They all had their lifejackets off and were waiting. And waiting. So, I'll just hop out of the tube and walk. Yea, sure I will. I got out in about chest high water, still dragging Ethan. And I start walking. With the slippery too small shoes. Every step I took I fell down. Sometimes the water was deep and I just floated holding onto the tube. Sometimes it was shallow and I had to crawl on my stomach. Ethan baled on me. He just walked right onto the shore. I just know he told the driver he didn't know me. I'm dealing with that. Finally I push the tubes ahead of me. It's every man for himself. I did the fall down, crawl, drag your body like your paralyzed from the waist down thing for the last 20 feet. I literally crawled onto the beach. Do you think anyone helped me? No. They just gave me the same look my middle school softball team gave me. When I missed catching the only ball to come out into right field in 3 years. Looooser! It was a silent ride home on the tuber bus. I spent the time counting my bruises. I had huge blisters on my big toes from the $1.00 shoes. I took them off and offered them to Allison. Yeah, she's gonna go with a no on the slippery slime covered shoes. I still have them. Jim threw his size 14 sandals away. I thought he should keep them in case we ever go again.