Playing Games

I love to play games. Board games that is. Board games, cards, dominoes. I think we have previously established that athletic games, ain’t doing it for me. Miniature golf is definitely on my list of things I do not enjoy. It is especially unpleasant playing with kids. I’m terrible as it is, let alone having to keep track of kids. A family golf outing usually goes something like this. I want the red ball. I asked for the red ball I asked for it first. I asked yesterday. Did he ask yesterday? I don’t know, use the blue ball. I want the blue ball. I already had blue. Everybody is using YELLOW!!! Jim: I don’t want to use the same color as everybody else. Hole one. Me to kid, it’s your turn…hey, it’s your turn…get off of that..it’s your turn. Forget it, skip that kid, next kid it’s your turn………hey, it’s my turn. Then go. Only hit it once, once, only hit it once, don’t pick it up, don’t, it’s not your turn, it’s not YOUR…. turn, fine, take a turn. That’s not your ball, put it down. Pick up the ball, it’s your ball..pick it up. Stop touching that! Get back here. Stop swinging the club, not you, the one swinging the club who’s not actually playing. No, we’re not going to the snack bar..you JUST went to the bathroom…no, you cannot play the claw machine. Come on, lets go to the second hole. I should be wearing a blood pressure cuff while I’m playing. So, I stick to board games. Well, some board games. Not Monopoly. Under any circumstances. When I first met Jim, it was his favorite game. Sunday afternoon me, Jim and his dad would sit down for a friendly game of Monopoly. Friendly. Yea right. By the middle of the game I had no money, no property and I was usually crying. Seriously. Jim and his dad were so ruthless and….cut-throat..and….. mean. I’m all happy with my little Marvin Gardens property and Jim’s like all . YOU OWE ME $2000 rent on Park Place, IN YOUR FACE MARVIN! PAY UP!!! My name is not Marvin, you crazy red-faced psycho Monopoly player. It took me just one game to figure out why his mother never played. 20 years later, Jim has changed quite a bit from the psychotic monopoly czar he once was, but I still can’t play. When I think about it, I have to go to my happy place. One of my favorite group games has always been Pictionary. Jim and I are actually pretty good as a team. One particular game we were playing with Jim’s parents, his brother and his wife. Couple against couple. Jim’s parents did not have a chance. No matter what the word was, his father drew the same exact picture. One vertical pencil line. And than he would frantically point at it and wave his hands. His mom would be like….stick? tree? branch? And he’s all pointing and waving and she’s saying….line…thing? Time would run out and he would throw his arms up in the air and say WEST SIDE STORY!!! Geez, how many more clues could I have given you? This went on the entire game...vertical line stood for circus, hairbrush, George Washington and panda bear. By the time he tried to pass the line off as "To Kill A Mockingbird", she was done. One time Jim drew 3 circles on top of each other. I was, lets just say a little excited, I jumped up and got 1mm from his face and screamed at the top of my lungs STOPLIGHT!!!! At the same time the timer ran out and Jim said very calmly…uh no, it was a… snowman, are you OK? Yea, I’m good, I’ll just sit down now. One of the most humiliating game times happened just last year. We went over to a friend’s house to play games with 3 other couples. I can’t remember the name of the game but we had to decide if the headline we were hearing was true or not. This was not team play, so I was on my own. One of the facts was did Marilyn Monroe shorten her heels to help her to obtain her signature walk? So as everyone is filling out their paper, I turn to my friend and I was like. I hope she didn’t do that, that’s disgusting. How could she put herself through that pain just to walk a certain way? How do you think she did it? Do you think it was surgery? Ooh, that is really gross….I am going on and on. She finally looks up from her paper and says, what are you talking about? Marilyn Monroe having her heels shortened….weren’t you listening? Isn’t that gross! She just looks at me, rolls her eyes and says….her shoes. She had the heels of her shoes altered to change the way she walked. Did you think they met her actual heel? Even I had to smile, I am such an idiot. Oh, her shoes, well that isn’t gross at all. Never mind. Of course, as I would have certainly done to her, she told everybody how stupid I am. There is now a small group of people who will work the word heel into every conversation. I can live with that. At least I never made anyone cry over Monopoly.