Our Dog

The other day my daughter said something very interesting. It was a simple phrase yet it left quite an impression. Actually, we laughed until we had tears rolling down our faces. We had attended .....this is a little hard to admit (with a straight face) a guinea pigs birthday party. Two guinea pigs to be exact. Yup. It included little tiny party hats, a carrot cake and they got gifts like, grapes and cabbage. They had Guinea pig races. One of the guinea pigs relieved himself in the middle of the race as the children cheered them on to victory. I never thought I would use the terms guinea pig and cheered them on to victory in the same sentence. I can sort of imagine what you think of someone who would throw such a party, but what does it say about us for attending? It says, get a life, you have much too much free time. So, we come home and my daughter, son, and I are talking about the party. Weren't the pigs cute in their hats? How about those races? Aren't you glad he didn't poop while you were holding him? Won't cabbage give them gas? When my daughter says " I wish I had a pet." My son and I both stopped, crinkled our brows, looked at each other and both immediately looked to the left of the room. Because there less than 10 feet from us was Deano. Our pet. The same pet we've had for 5 years. After we drew her attention to the yellow lump in the corner, she remembered that she in fact does have a pet. She than clarified it with "I mean a pet that does something." Oh, well that's different. We have a pet in that, he has four legs, and drinks out of the toilet, but you know he's not winning any races. He could win if the race was held in the roughly 20 minutes a day he's awake. We always say we didn't get a dog, we got a couch that came covered with its own dog hair. He is very sweet but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day Jim came home from work. Deano was outside. He sees Jim pull up, in the same car we have had for years. Deano barks. Jim gets out and talks to him, he wags his tail, Jim pets him. I look out and say, can you move your car to the other side of the driveway, the boys want to play basketball. Jim gets in the car, in front of the dog, he backs up 5 feet, and parks. Deano starts barking like he has never seen him before. Jim gets out and Deano starts wagging his tail. He's like, "hey Jim, where you been man, this other guy was just here and...." Another time he jumped up out of a sound sleep, looked out the window and proceeded to bark at a box.... for an hour. Our neighbor had set out his recycling in a box. It had taken him a year to stop barking at the blue bags. I can't tell you how many times he has smashed his face on the sliding glass door chasing a squirrel. The squirrels don't even budge. they know he'll smash his face and go lay down for 20 hours. When he was a puppy we were in the basement. It wasn't finished yet and there were tools etc. all over the place. He came tearing in, and for some unknown reason, ran over and swallowed a hunk of steel wool. Didn't smell it, just swallowed it. Steel wool. Not good. We called the vet and they told us what to do to get him to return it, without having to wait a day. Are you with me? So we give him the medicine. And sure enough, 5 minutes later, up comes the steel wool. And 2 erasers. A crayon. And part of an action figure. He felt better. We were horrified. A couple of years later, a Saturday, Memorial day weekend. Deano starts throwing up. After awhile, no food is coming up,just watery stuff. Really gross. . We had decided, that because he was still drinking, we would wait until Monday and take him to the vets. So, we barricade him in the kitchen and wait it out. Sunday, he was still sick. But still drinking and acting Ok. Of course he sleeps 23 hours a day, when he's feeling good, so we don't expect much. Monday morning, I get up and let him out. He must equate "going out" with exercise because he's usually right back in. He does not fool around. He's all business. No pun intended. So I realize he's been out awhile and I look out the window. Have you ever seen a dog sweat? I don't mean, because he's hot on a summer day. I mean sweat like a grand jury just swore him in and he's knows he's gonna lie. I looked into his eyes and saw pure desperation. He was "perched", ready to ......you know....go. But he looked like he had locked his keys in his car...with it running...off...... a cliff......with a..... baby in it. And the car was on fire. And apparantly, so was his butt. He acted like he was being audited by the IRS. And he hadn't saved any receipts. He was doing that shaky thing dogs do, when they do "doo." He was squatting and shaking, standing on his toes. And in between that, he was putting his face in his paws and wiping his brow. The boy was sweating bullets. He just had that "Oh God, if I ever get out of this mess I promise too......." look. The dog next door walked by, he gave a little wave and said, "I feel for ya man, stay strong" . Deano was acting like he was in labor. Labor? That's impossible. He's a boy. But I gotta tell you the longer it went on, the more I was beginning to doubt everything I knew about anatomy. Than it was over. Well at least, the worst of it. I can't prove it, but I think he actually smiled. I went out to congratulate him?, when I saw it. Not a puppy. No, that would a make more sense than what I saw. There, on our lawn, was a full size..............corncob. Not the mini size cobs you get frozen at the grocery store. This wasn't no niblets. This was a full grown Eastern shore ear of corn. Why Deano why? I wanted to ask him why? Why must you eat out of the trash? Did we learn nothing from the steel wool/eraser/crayon/action figure incident? But what I really wanted to ask him was.... how? Seriously. But I was speechless. I would have stood there all day shaking my head. Deano on the other hand, had moved on, he was standing at the door. Hellllooooooo, uh, can I get a little breakfast here, and I'm way overdue for a nap. What a trooper. So next time you think a party- hat- wearing, racing guinea pig is better than my dog. Think again.