Helpful Hints

As I have recently turned 40, and celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and my sweet baby girl is turning 15 I decided to comprise a list of things I have learned. I think these things will help you, as they have helped me. Or not. And that’s OK too.
If you are 9 years old and you decide to “pass gas”, or “rip a big one” in a taxi cab, don’t pretend it wasn’t you and don’t do it in front of your mother. First of all, if you lift you leg, they’ll know it was you. And, your mother will use it as an excuse to do every embarrassing thing she can think of in front of others. When you complain, she will say “At least I didn’t bunny, ( yes, she calls them bunnies), in a cab.” Hey mom, it’s been 31 years, move on. Seriously. And it wasn’t even me. I mean it. Really.
In 8th grade, on the day of your confirmation ceremony, don’t cut your own hair. No matter how good you think you are doing. Don’t do it. Pulling your bangs in a ponytail and cutting off whatever hangs out is such a bad idea, who knew? My bangs went from 1 inch on the left side to 1/8 of an inch on the right side. No matter how may times you think you’re evening them out. YOU’RE NOT MAKING IT BETTER! And when your friends laugh right in your face, you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you are home alone with your brother who may or may not have your best interest at heart, don’t shake up a 2 liter bottle of soda. And open it. Regardless of what your brother says, your mom, after a full days work, will NOT think it is funny. And in case you’re curious, 2 liters is A LOT of soda.
Not putting the lid securely on the top of a giant jar of mustard seems like a victimless crime. I am here to tell you different. Oh sure, the non-lid-tightening person gets to eat their sandwich a couple of seconds earlier, but what about the unsuspecting little sister, I mean next sandwich maker. I learned a couple of things that day. Don’t pick a giant jar of mustard up by the lid, especially if it is full. Again with the gravity. As soon as the jar hit the floor, it was like a mustard volcano. Three things to keep in mind, mustard stains everything. The walls, the ceiling, the refrigerator, the phone, the stove, the cabinets, and the ….dog. The second thing is, when a dog gets covered in mustard, it runs. Away. Really fast. All through the house. And when you chase it screaming, it runs faster, and jumps on your bed. The third thing is, regardless what your brother says, your mother, after a hard days work, will NOT think it is funny.
Doing good deeds. I’m all for it. But…when you volunteer to wash your brother’s motorcycle. ( The one he worked really hard for, and paid for entirely, on his own). I learned to keep the hose in your hands at all times. Let me explain. I decided to surprise my brother by washing his brand new motorcycle. So I get out the hose, a bucket and a sponge. I’m washing away and I’m thinking, why just wash the outside? I bet the inside is all dirty you know with the gas and oil running all through it and everything. Hey, I bet if I stick the hose up this long pipe in the back, it will give it a real good cleaning. Inside and out. And if you forget the aforementioned hose, is running…… up the long pipe in the back,….. and leave it on for several hours, it will be sparkling. Or it will completely destroy it. What I didn’t take into consideration is, if you stick a running hose up the tail pipe of a motorcycle, you ruin…the engine. And just about every other functioning part. And regardless of what you think, your mother, and your brother after a hard days work, will NOT think it is helpful. Or funny.