MVP

I could describe myself as a lot of things. Athletic is not one of them. It’s not even in the top one hundred. I think I can confidently say I have never mastered a sport. Or played one well… Or even just OK. Honestly when you come right down to it… I’m a disaster at sports. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t try. If they gave out awards for trying, I’d get one every time. Not first place but at least a ribbon that says “participant.” Hey, not everybody gets one of those. Oh, everybody gets one? Are you sure? Anyway, my long history of participation began with bowling. It’s a sport. Yes, it is! I joined the bowling league ran by our Catholic church. I was about 7. My brother and sister and I joined, although we were on separate teams. We would get on the “bowling bus” and go and compete against other Catholic bowlers. Remember this was a religious league, when I tell you how they ousted me. Things did not go well the first couple of weeks. Things started to fall apart when it was my turn and they couldn’t find me. Hmm…where’s Karen? I wonder….look at the snack bar…Or the arcade, or the bathroom, or on somebody else’s lane. Look anywhere but where she’s supposed to be. My team would have to look for me, and when I finally took my turn, I’ll just say I wasn’t really knockin’ em down….At all. I averaged around a 40…On a good day. One day the bowling bus came and my team said “If you don’t want to come today, you don’t have to” In fact, you don’t ever have to come. In fact, don’t come. You stink. I stopped, thought about what they had just said…..Oh, well….could I just come and hang out at the snack bar? Do you promise not to bowl? I promise. I kinda hated it anyway. I like bowling now, so I think I said that just to mask the pain, or I was afraid, if I resisted they would shut the bus doors and I wouldn’t get any bowling alley pizza that day. On to softball. Same Catholic league. I joined the team. Got my uniform. Showed up at every practice. For 2 years. Played one game. I think it was the summer of the big Scarlet fever outbreak, the only choices were me and the legally blind kid with the one leg. Come to think of it, the blind one legged kid was sick too. I remember they called her, her mom wouldn’t let her come. So I guess it was me or forfeit. I played right field. When the ball came towards me, I ducked, covered my head with my glove and screamed. Did I mention I was afraid of the ball? After that I was “equipment girl.” Which is really a short title for “we’ll let you come if you promise not to play.” During the games I would put the catcher’s chest protector on my head and strut around clucking like a chicken. I never taught my kids how to hit a ball, but they can do a mean chicken impression. Do you think the Pope approves of the cut-throat, win at any cost attitude of its youth sports programs? If I ever meet him, I’m telling. Middle school cheerleader. Got knocked down when the players ran onto the sideline. Made my skirt all dirty. I was done. I was really loud though. Loud I got, my cartwheel could have used some work. Highschool gymnastics team. Lets see, afraid of the balance beam, 4 inches wide? Seriously? Afraid of the pummel horse. First of all, there ain’t no way I running fast enough to climb over that thing and you want me to flip over it…head first? Yea, that’s gonna happen. Uneven parallel bars. I’m terrified of heights, so I decided to just swing on the bottom bar and get used to it. Got a blister the first day. Lets talk floor exercise. I was actually doing a good job. I got as far as making up a routine. The night of the show for our parents, the coach asked for someone to volunteer to run the music. She was looking right at me. I volunteered. New title “music girl.” Also….. a….. Catholic….. team. Just curious, do you know the zip code for Vatican city? E-mail address? Do you just address it like letters to Santa, just write “Pope” and it gets there? Not that I’m bitter.